Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
