Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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