Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
