bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
