I can't watch pbs sober anymore
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
