Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize