he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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