guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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