After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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