You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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