Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
