I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
are you so shy because you have an std?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize
