Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
