Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize