first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
