I'm gonna have a badass scar
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
