he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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