I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
