i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it's like iHOP with fire
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
