I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
