what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
