Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You pole danced in your parka.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
