Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
