It's Friday. Sex?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
