so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
