i permit you to call me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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