I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
