i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
