listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
