I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
