As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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