xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
