guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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