My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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