I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
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