I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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