I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
