Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize