i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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