Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
