I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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