I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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