Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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