The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
