Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
