Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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