Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
