I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
