my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
