Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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