finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
