If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
