Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
