anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
