So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
