This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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